My first hemorrhoid. I thought it was cancer or worse! But, I survived to write this article!

This may be the most embarrassing story I have ever written…but it shouldn’t be… 


When you are young and running about with your day to day life and have no cares in the world, the last thing that you ever think of is “What is regular for me?” I mean how many times did you think to yourself, “Gee I haven’t had a bowel movement in 24 hours! What’s the deal? Do I have a disease? Is this normal? Didn’t Aunt Matilda die of cancer…I never saw her go to the bathroom!”


It is normal to start questioning things about your body as you get older, and NO you do not need to have a bowel movement EVERY SINGLE DAY, in fact some people go days without a body flush. More so, as they get older! According to Web MD, it’s perfectly alright to go a few days with no bowel movement if you are otherwise feeling fine. As you get older your body begins to change a bit, but also you naturally begin to actually NOTICE changes that otherwise you NEVER thought about, things like taking that morning DUMPER after your morning Sprinkle’s donut and coffee.


When I was growing up in the 70s and 80s, hemorrhoids was the butt of 20% of high school locker room jokes! 20% of the commercials on T.V. was some old, retired football player praising how well Preparation H worked on his THROBBING anal irritation!


If it’s bloody IT AIN’T GOOD CHARLIE! But, it’s probably not the end of the world either. Many people get their first hemorrhoid somewhere between their 30s or 40s. By that time you have been LOOKING for the big C- Cancer high and low for a few years. Mainly, because by then you have already had at least one relative, friend, favorite actor or pop star bite the dust due to this traitor of a disease. Many actors like John Wayne, who would seem to be the pillar of good health, left us very soon due to unexpected cancer. So when you do see BLOOD in the toilet, it is defiantly time to give the doctor a call, but it’s not time to call a priest just yet.

Constipation man
Old school constipation sitting on ice!

So this is my story, (I bet you thought I would never get around to it)! The first time for me, I thought for sure I was on the brink of death, but it turned out to be a hemorrhoid. I was relieved, but I was embarrassed too. So when I saw a lot of blood in the toilet, I feel flush and thought, “there’s a good chance someone has sprinkled your eggs with Dollar Shave Club razors or I have a hemorrhoid the size of Barrack Obama’s mole!” One is very deadly, the other is treatable and most likely from home. Mine was treatable at home. But, it wouldn’t hurt to go to the Emergency Room or have cousin Billy pull out his flashlight…okay lets scratch cousin Billy out of this situation and lets go get it checked out if you have ANY DOUBTS. If you choose to not get it checked out, then there are tons of online sources for how to treat hemorrhoids at home using homeopathic therapies and other home remedies. And yes, you could consider the over the counter treatments as well- even if you are not a Joe Namath or OJ Simpson. Yeah, I threw OJ in there simply because we are talking about hemorrhoids (you know he did it).


As you get older your body is going to change. If you have no other health complications and you are feeling fine otherwise, changes in your bowel movement are normal as you get older. It’s common to start getting constipation and often times hemorrhoids are a byproduct of irregular bowel movements. Monitor your situation and simply talk to your doctor. If you are getting regular checkups, then you will sleep a lot better at night KNOWING that you are the next checkup away from knowing how the old body engine is running. This was my story, your story may turn out different, don’t take chances and see a doctor if you are not feeling well!


WebMD has more info on things you should consider.

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